I am alone, desperate and without faith
by AMagicalFeather
Summary: After his escape from the prison, Rick is talking to himself, and thinks he can actually speak to Lori. He tells what happened and what he could or would do. I wrote this story during the hiatus. Disclamer : The characters don't belong to me.


**I am alone, desperate and without faith**

I knew this day would come. I knew we had to prepare for the final battle.

But it was difficult to join two groups that were totally different. On one side, there was us, ready to fight without thinking and on the other side, the second group was used for barbecues every Sunday of weeks even exist. I can't blame them, they were handled by the governor. He made them forget that behind his charming smile, behind their beautiful streets, behind their walls protected by well-armed men, the danger was real.

To give both groups, a council was established with members of both parties and it would have been effective, the Woodbury survivors could receive a good training if there had been no epidemic at the prison.

We were now facing a new problem we were to settle as quickly as he prepared for his part in forming a new army, seeking new weapons and a new strategy. That's why when I heard the engine noise, I did not need to squint to understand who the person was: he had returned.

He had in hostage Michonne and Hershel and he was not there to negotiate. He wanted the prison and it was not debatable. But I tried, I really tried! And I thought I had succeeded, I thought I had seen in the eyes of his guys, they were ready to lay down their arms. Maybe the governor understood he was losing…he…he killed Hershel in front of his two daughters. Then the war began.

I was separated from the rest of the group, I don't know if there's been deaths on our side or not, I don't even know if our guys were able to escape.

He … he almost killed me but when I felt my strength was going to leave me and I didn't felt even more pain, I have not been relieved. There's no paradise just a wandering in hell without conscience and no other prospect than seek fresh meat. I could not give up Carl and Judith, I could not become a walker. And the last image I would see what was the governor, who had killed more people than all the criminals that I stopped in my old life. I saw Michonne who was killing him, I was saved from him.

After that, I wanted Carl and fled the prison. We were running as fast as we could, we wouldn't fail. We had to find a hideout before nightfall and away from walkers. Just before the light disappears, we found a house.

Shortly after the arrival of the second group, Maggie, Glen and Daryl found this house during an expedition. It's in an area that we had never explored and I don't think the governor and his men saw it. Anyway, even if they had found it, they are all dead now.

The council decided that it would be the place where we would go if we were to escape prison. We took a look time to time to see if it had not been taken by another group or walkers. Inside there's the strict necessary : a little food, weapons and ammunition. I just hope that someone who took the bus is part of the council. I should be back at the prison, maybe someone needs help, or maybe not.

Lori, I'm telling you all of this, but I have to tell you something else. Carl and I had found the empty pram of Judith … I … I want to believe that someone alive had found her, but if this person hadn't taken the bus, there is no way of knowing the truth.

I'm telling you all of this, but you may already know, if you're with me, you're everywhere so you know and maybe even more than me. Or maybe not, maybe I'm just talking to myself. I don't know what I should believe.

Sometimes I think I'm still in the coma, because after all this life is so amazing it can not be true! Then I'd dream and when it stops, I could wake up. I must die here to wake me up in my hospital bed. Maybe when I feel your presence or Shane or when I see Carl, you're by my side there. Maybe all the people I met here work at the hospital or come near my room.

After all, what is the most credible hypothesis? An apocalyptic world where there remains a handful of survivors against hungry monsters or a bad dream? I just wish that the explanation is this one! I would wake up and hold you in my arms and promise that we will get better. I would like to be more present in my family. I wish have a second chance.

I saw too much blood, too many monsters, too many people die in front of me to accept it. I refuse to believe that the only power I have left is to decide whether I will become one of them or blow my brains out.

It reduced me to live in the present, alone with my fears and memories. It reduced me to be a beast on the run, hunted by dead or by men who have lost their spirit too. I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a nomad, in search for a safer home than the previous location and bury my family. I can't promise to my son to have a life as long as mine. I can't even promise that he will not be attacked tomorrow by a horde. I can just try to push this moment will eventually arrive on guard as I am doing at this instant. But I can't be concentrate. No, I think as each day to you Lori and I realize how much I'm lost.

I must have faith for our son and for the group if it is found but it is so hard to lie to people who trust us. At first, I really thought we would come out, there would be an exit door away from that chaos unnamed. I even go to the CDC for answers, but the door is transformed into an even more frightening wall than death itself.

Yes, I have to give hope to others, telling them we find a more protected place than the prison with food, drugs and weapons, far from crazy people. We will look for this paradise but we will sink further in this world or the dawn no longer exists.

I hope we will find it, but I have great difficulty believing. If only you were still here Lori, your glance would help me without needing to make me believe in chimeras.

I have never been so lost since you left me. I am alone, desperate and without faith.


End file.
